Something has happened to me, yes, which is why I am opening my heart wide and mopping the crust out of my closets. For 13 years or so I've been actively walking the Red Road, a path of healing in the everyday world. Early this July my community gathered women in an all-night ceremony. I emerged with no delusions about purity or victimhood. I clearly saw myself as the perpetrator.
At the suggestion of a good friend I did not do the Jack-Nicholson-Something's-Gotta-Give tour de apology, though fresh from the ceremony I certainly had the fire to do so. She reminded me that popping up with no warning could re-traumatize someone, which is the opposite effect that I want.
I was able to connect and make amends with one of the important men from my past, my ex-husband. He is a special person, has deep insight and sensitivity, and kindly allowed me to say my thing. We were then able to dive into other misconceptions that had been interfering with our friendship after the marriage.
There are other men to whom I would like to make apology, offer amends and support for healing. I would tell them that I was a painful person when I knew them. I used men to enact the drama of my own damaged relationship with father and step-father. I pulled them into arguments that only I was fighting and only I could win. I was calloused to their emotional expression and needs. I would own responsibility for them wanting to shut-down their sensitivity toward themselves and other women.
I feel deep remorse for the harm I've caused them, and wish for them to know that I respect their anger/resentment/complete dismissal of me as a person of worth in their lives.
In order to even the public discussion of one gender damaging the other, I offer this confession. In seeing ourselves from another point of view, may we discover the error of our assumptions. May we all learn to use humility as a filter for our words and actions.
Much love and blessings to everyone in my past and present life,
Christian
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